ilona the pest

insecurity + narcissism = awesome!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

misanthropic and misunderstood

i had planned to go to this thing this afternoon with some friends of mine. they were supposed to call me so we could meet up, but they didn't. i was feeling too lazy and antisocial to get up the energy to call them, so i just sat at home and studied evidence all afternoon instead. which was actually a fine way to spend the afternoon - but the whole (non-)episode really made me feel like a loser with a capital L.

then i went to a roller-skating birthday party, which made me feel a little better. but i still had the feeling a lot of the evening like everyone i know is better friends with each other than they are with me.

i don't know why i have so much trouble having friends. i've never had any problem having meaningful, open, connected romantic relationships, but i constantly struggle with maintaining successful regular friendships. it feels embarassing just to admit to -- having meaningful connections with other people seems like kind of a fundamental element of the human condition. for me, though, it's absurdly difficult and causes endless anxiety.

i want to have more and closer friendships. i love spending time with my friends and having fun and talking about our lives and taking emotional risks that pay off and taking care of each other... but i suppose i'm so insecure about being rejected that i hardly ever take the risks that are necessary to get to that point.

my best friend from elementary school/junior high recently asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and i was both shocked and thrilled. i was like, wow, i actually matter to someone else? it's sad how strange and exciting that feeling was.

sorry if this is a bummer. roller-skating was really fun. happy birthday, T.


  • At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    well, with your upcoming move maybe you could try to turn over a new leaf? you actually have history with people that live there. maybe you could repair things?

  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger ilona said…

    thanks for the suggestions. i would love to try to turn over a new leaf in this area, but the biggest problem i have is that i really don't have much of a clue HOW to go about forming bonds with other people. so i think without some serious intervention i'll just inevitably fall into the same patterns. i recently read a book about group therapy and that seems really intriguing and potentially very useful as a way to build skills at relating to other people on an emotionally intimate level. since i'll have to switch therapists anyway when i move, i've been thinking of joining a therapy group when i get to NY.

  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger jk said…

    i suggest going out w/ people and getting drunk with them--everyone seems to enjoy this.

    just don't puke on the subway platforms and don't make them carry you home. but then again, i'm still around.

  • At 4:04 PM, Blogger ilona said…

    actually i thought that puking night was one of our most bonding moments. thanks for reminding me to employ that strategy more often. :)

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger ilona said…

    aw. thanks. now i feel like a jerk for complaining publicly and making you feel bad. i knew you didn't mean to blow me off - that would be really strange and inexplicable and i'm not, like, paranoid or anything. it just made me feel depressed 'cause i was predisposed to feeling that way on that day. and i guess i wrote about it here 'cause i wanted to mention it but i was too embarassed to bring it up in person. does that make any sense? i guess it's weirdly easier for me to talk about this kind of subject in the half-anonymous/half-very public forum of a blog than to actually admit any of this stuff to a friend. anyway, it made me feel really good when you said i'm one of your best friends! :) so, thanks. xoxo

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger jk said…

    it is. and i still love you.

  • At 10:25 PM, Blogger wt said…

    Aw, Ilona, I'm your friend too. I mean, I haven't seen you in a few months, and we really don't talk much anymore, and I guess, frankly, we weren't really that close in law school. But, well, nevermind.

    Oh wait. We had lunch together once. That was awesome. And those con law classes. Yeah we are basically best buds.

  • At 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What do you mean no clue about forming bonds? It was YOU who as ME to go see Erase Errata, remember? Silly girl.

  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger ilona said…


    i think i am pretty good at taking the *first* steps in making friends with people. i am much less good at taking the subsequent steps needed to really solidify a friendship. as i tell my therapist, i feel pretty confident that i am likeable. i feel very insecure about whether i am loveable.

  • At 3:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When I was a young one, I blamed everyone else for my lack of friends. Then when I was less young, I felt it a major revelation that I had only myself to blame. I then worked hard to be more outgoing and subjected myself to gregarious situations. It worked, my confidence grew, I met people, I had friendships and for times was even accepted into cliques.
    Now that I am less young still, I once again balme everyone else. Mind you that I also realize that a feeling of friendlessness is sometimes just a symptom of depression and restlesness that can be cured with some exercise or sleep or whatever other essential of life that I have been depriving myself of. But still there is something wrong with people. They don't like to get too close, they don't like to appear needy, they are afraid that they are not lovable... But I think the biggest problem is people are addicted. Addicted to drugs, addicted to jobs, addicted to media.
    I think I can check all three boxes. I am no expert on addiction, but perspective helps and is often lacking from the judgement of the afflicted. I recommend you go out and get this book.
    Here was someone who had perspective and balanced a magnificent career a family and a wide circle of friends.

    Know thyself. Love thy brother. Give up the ego. That is the best advice I have, being in the same self-dug ditch as you.

    Sine cera


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